Why Your Relationships Feel Hard (and How to Fix Them)
The Truth About Relationships: It’s Not What You Think
For the longest time, I thought relationships were something I needed to control to feel happy. Sound familiar? I spent years trying to "manage" relationships so they would give me what I thought I needed. I’d obsess over what others thought of me, twist myself into someone I wasn’t, and feel crushed when things didn’t work out the way I planned. But the truth about relationships is way simpler – and way more freeing – than I ever realized.
Let’s get into it.
What You Were Taught (And Why It’s Messing You Up)
From a young age, we’re taught that other people are responsible for our happiness. Remember when your mom would ask, “Did Sally make you sad?” or “Did your brother upset you?” We grow up believing it’s other people’s job to make us feel good – and our job to make them feel good too.
This belief quietly runs the show in most of our relationships. We create rules and expectations for others to follow, thinking their behavior determines our emotions. When those rules are broken, we feel hurt, disappointed, or unloved. The kicker? These rules often exist only in our own heads, leaving others unaware they’re even supposed to be playing along.
The result? Frustration, confusion, and relationships that feel harder than they need to be.
The Mind-Blowing Truth About Relationships
Here’s the truth that changed everything for me: Your relationships are simply your thoughts about another person.
That’s it. Your thoughts. Not their actions. Not their words. Not whether they remember to text you back. What you think about them is what shapes your relationship.
Let me break it down. There are three parts to every relationship:
What you think the other person thinks about you.
What you think about the other person.
What you think about yourself.
The most powerful part? You have control over every single one of these. Let’s look at an example.
Real Talk: My Stepdaughter and Me
My relationship with my stepdaughter hasn’t always been great. Why? Because of my thoughts.
I used to think she judged me for being critical about her housekeeping. I thought she didn’t like me and resented my role in her life. And what did I think about her? I’ll be honest: I thought she was messy, unkind to her dad, and just… hard to like.
And guess what? I judged myself too. I’d tell myself I should be more patient, more loving, and less critical. Basically, I thought I was failing as a stepmom.
That’s a whole lot of judgment flying around. No wonder our relationship felt strained.
But when I realized that my thoughts – not her actions or opinions – were driving how I felt, I saw how much power I actually had. I couldn’t change her behavior, but I could choose to change my thinking. And that’s where the real work begins.
What’s Next? Start with You
Improving any relationship starts with improving your relationship with yourself. How you feel about you impacts everything else.
Here’s a quick exercise to get started:
Grab a piece of paper and write down the story you tell yourself about you. Don’t filter it; just let it all out.
Go back and circle the facts – the things that are undeniably true (e.g., “I’m 35 and single”). Everything else? That’s just your story.
Notice how much of your story is self-judgment or criticism. That’s where your work is.
Changing your story isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. When you start treating yourself with kindness and compassion, it ripples out into every other relationship in your life.
Because here’s the truth: You can’t love others deeply until you truly love yourself. And when you do? Everything changes.