Are You Really Too Picky, or Just Afraid of Settling?

If you’ve been single for more than a minute, chances are someone has told you that the problem is you’re just being too picky. And while your well-meaning great-aunt or sister-in-law probably isn’t trying to hurt your feelings, I know that suggestion can feel a little frustrating.

For me, dating wasn’t something I did much of—if at all. Between the ages of 22 and 50, I went on maybe three actual dates where the guy actually asked me out and planned the date. And so, when people told me I was being too picky, my internal response was always: “Give me something to pick, and I’ll pick!”

But, let’s be real: if you’ve been on lots of dates, you might have a different reaction to the “too picky” comment. Maybe you’re asking yourself, “Am I too picky?”

So, let’s dive into that question. What if the problem isn’t about being picky at all?

Picky vs. Preferences

Let’s start by defining “picky.” What actually makes someone picky? For example, if you prefer men to be taller than you, is that picky? What if you prefer someone who shares the same religious values, or doesn’t have kids from previous relationships? Are those things picky? Or are they simply preferences?

For me, I knew I wanted a man who was at least 6 feet tall, had strong faith in Jesus Christ, followed the teachings of the LDS church, and used his temple recommend regularly. And while I’ll admit, I also had a thing about clammy hands and certain noises when someone had a runny nose, these were just preferences. They weren’t me being picky.

I once dated a guy who lied on his profile and turned out to be shorter than I expected. But that wasn’t the dealbreaker—it was his insecurity about where he lived compared to where I lived that was the real problem.

One of my good friends is married to a wonderful man who happens to be 1 inch shorter than her. She admitted that this small difference almost kept her from saying yes. But when she considered the whole picture—his values, his character, their potential future together—the height difference just didn’t matter anymore.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having preferences. In fact, I think it’s essential to know what you’re looking for, especially when it comes to relationships. Having preferences doesn’t mean you’re picky—it means you’re clear on what you’re looking for. It’s the same principle as when I’m shopping for orange towels for my bathroom. I won’t waste time looking at anything but orange towels because I know exactly what I want. The same goes for relationships—when you know your preferences, you’re more likely to find someone who checks those boxes.

Fear vs. Picky

But what if the issue isn’t about being picky at all? What if, and I’m going to be bold here, it’s fear that’s holding you back?

If you’ve been following my journey for a while, you know that I love asking deep questions. So, grab a pen and paper and write this down at the top: Why am I picky? Then write everything that comes to mind. Don’t censor yourself. Just let your thoughts spill out onto the page. Once you’ve written it all down, take a step back and look at what you’ve written.

What you’ll probably realize is that the problem isn’t really being “too picky”—it’s the story you’re telling yourself. You might be afraid of making the wrong choice, of ending up in a loveless marriage, or of settling for someone who doesn’t meet all your standards. So, you protect yourself by being picky, thinking it’s the safest way to avoid being hurt.

But here’s the thing: You’re not going to “get sucked in” or “end up” in a bad relationship. You are in control of who you date and who you marry. Your story doesn’t have to be about fear. What if your story could look like this: “I’m going to find a man who aligns with my values, and I’m willing to meet and date a lot of men to find him.”

Being picky isn’t the issue—it’s about rewriting your story and challenging the beliefs that have kept you stuck.

Perfectionism vs. Realistic Expectations

Another reason you might feel “picky” is because you’re expecting perfection. You might be waiting for the perfect guy, the perfect relationship, or the perfect marriage. But here’s the truth: perfection doesn’t exist. Mr. Perfect doesn’t exist. And guess what? You’re not perfect either—and that’s a good thing!

Think about the fairy tales we were read as kids. The perfect princess meets the perfect prince and they live happily ever after. Then, as we grow up, we see social media influencers with seemingly perfect lives and think, “That’s what I’m waiting for.” But that “perfect” life is just an illusion.

I remember when my husband and I were dating, and one day he said something that stuck with me: “Most of married life is just everyday living—working, doing chores, running errands.” He was right, and honestly, it was a little deflating at first. But he helped me realize that there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship. A good relationship is built on real, everyday moments.

As President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, “Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that she has been robbed.”

Perfection doesn’t exist, and once you let go of that unrealistic expectation, you’ll find peace and satisfaction in the real, imperfect relationships that matter.