3 Must Haves for Self-Confidence
What would happen in your life if you had solid self-confidence!? What goals would you go after? What dreams would you allow to take root in your heart and head? What would be possible with solid self-confidence? What would be different in your life? What results would you create with solid self-confidence?
It is fun to think about. I love thinking about possibilities. The possibilities that the human brain offers up because a woman has self-confidence.
Definition
Let’s begin with a clear understanding of what self-confidence is and what it is not.
Solid self-confidence has three parts:
1. Trusting yourself
2. Feeling your feelings
3. Your opinion of you
Now let’s look at what it is NOT. Self-confidence is NOT arrogance, thinking you are better than someone else and trying to prove it. Self-confidence is NOT putting others down in an effort to be above, some how better. It is not thinking you are perfect or have no faults or room to grow and continue evolving. It is NOT thinking you have arrived at perfection.
Again, self-confidence is your ability to trust yourself, feel any emotion and your opinion of you.
Why don’t you already have self-confidence?
You may be thinking and believing, “I wasn’t born with self-confidence. You either have it or you don’t!”
That, my friend is simply not true. Self-confidence isn’t something you are born with. It isn’t like your brown eyes or your curly hair or how tall you are.
Self-confidence is a feeling just like fear, doubt, anger, or happiness and you get to choose the feelings you feel. You get to choose because you have a complete brain with a pre-frontal cortex which allows you to think, problem solve, make decisions, dream and choose how you see the world around you.
Self-confidence is a feeling. This means that you have the capacity to generate the feeling of solid self-confidence. You aren’t born with it. You choose it, generate and develop it through practice.
Let’s dive into the “how” of solid self-confidence. How do you come to trust yourself, to feel good emotions and not so good emotions, and to step away from the negative self-talk into having a loving relationship with yourself.
How to develop Rock Solid Self-Confidence
#1. Your ability to trust yourself
It is interesting that you make a commitment to someone else – like saying “yes” to helping out at a church activity, or bringing an ill friend a pot of soup, or promising to babysit your sisters’ kids or whatever it is. You easily keep those commitments.
BUT, when it comes to the promises you make to yourself – like I will go to the gym today and workout for 60 minutes, or I promise I will spend time with God in the scriptures today or I will work on my goal of writing my novel, or starting my own business, or leaving my house to go to the class I signed up for – that is where the trust breaks down.
You say “yes” to everyone else and keep that promise but break the promise you have with yourself.
Ladies, listen to me, if we as women keep putting ourselves last, we will always be last! And that is true for each one of us individually – if you keep putting yourself last, you will always be last.
What does it look like to trust yourself.
It comes down to knowing you will do what you said you would do. It looks like you following through on your plans, your goals and dreams and aspirations. It looks like you intentionally planning your tomorrow on your calendar with scheduling what you need to do next to move closer to your future self. It looks like scheduling when you will work out tomorrow and then doing it; even if you don’t feel like it. It looks like deciding ahead of time what you will and won’t eat as part of your food protocol and then doing exactly that; even if you don’t feel like it. It looks like sitting down at your computer and writing for 30 minutes; even if you don’t feel like it. It means looking at your calendar and seeing that you have class tonight and you go; even if you don’t feel like it.
Here's the deal. If you can’t count on yourself, you will feel insecure, out of control, and will not be able to develop solid self-confidence. Trusting yourself is a requirement for self-confidence.
Remember, you were not born with self-confidence, it is developed and earned from you! No one can give it to you. No one can compliment you enough for it to just bestow upon you. You have to earn it! From yourself. And it begins with your ability to trust yourself.
#2. Knowing you can experience ANY emotion
Let’s think about this one a bit before we dive into the “how”. What is the reason you don’t trust yourself to do what you said you would do. I mentioned it a number of times a moment ago…you don’t do what you promised yourself you would do because in the moment you said you would do it; you don’t feel like it!
You don’t do what you said you would do because you don’t want to feel something. Maybe you don’t want to sit at your computer and write because you are thinking you are no good as a writer and that creates the feeling of self-doubt. Or maybe, you decide to stay home and watch a movie alone rather than show up for the class you signed up for because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Or could it be that you are avoiding going to the gym because you are comparing yourself with everyone else and are feeling self-conscious.
You don’t like how it feels to feel self-doubt, uncomfortable or self-conscious. The good news is that is the worst thing that will happen when you do something you don’t want to do but said you would…you will feel.
And another piece of good news is that feeling self-doubt, or uncomfortable or self-conscious is harmless. Those emotions (feelings) will not permanently harm you if you allow yourself to simply experience them. It’s when we avoid them or try to reject them, pushing them away…that is when the harm comes in. But allowing and experiencing the emotion is harmless. I promise. It doesn’t feel good but it doesn’t harm you.
Imagine what would happen when you sit down to write and the feeling of self-doubt bubbles up and you simply allow it AND write anyway!! Can you see it. You would be writing AND feeling some self-doubt at the same time. It is possible. You do not have to feel excited, certain or even confident to sit down and write. Imagine that you allow yourself to feel the emotion of uncomfortable and go to class anyway. Both are possible at the same time. You can even go to the gym and work out just as you planned at the same time you are feeling self-conscious.
Your ability to feel any emotion is the 2nd must have for solid self-confidence. As you develop the skill of allowing your negative emotions there is nothing keeping you from doing what you said you would do. You can sit down and write, or go to class or the gym knowing that you can handle what ever feeling comes your way…the ability to feel any emotion is like a safety net – it takes the risk out of the doing.
The” how” of being able to feel any emotions isn’t complicated. You simply allow yourself to feel the emotion. You don’t buffer it away by watching tv instead of working on your book. You choose to feel at the same time you do what you said you would do. And acknowledge what you are feeling. As you sit down to write and the self-doubt swoops in simply acknowledge out loud or quietly to yourself – “Yup! There you are self-doubt. I was expecting you. You are welcome to be here as I write but you are not in charge. You can stay but must sit silently on the other side of the room.” Rather than resisting or fighting against the feeling, acknowledge it but let it know that you are in charge not it. It is welcome to stay but it is not going to dictate whether or not you keep your word to yourself.
One more thing I would recommend when it comes to your ability to feel any emotion…don’t judge your emotions. Stay away from negative self-talk saying things like “this is dumb…I shouldn’t be feeling self-doubt.” Or “I have been going to class for 4 weeks now, I should have gotten over feeling uncomfortable.” You are feeling what you feel for a very good reason. Don’t beat yourself up about it. That is not helpful and just piles on more negative emotions.
Make sense?! This leads us in to the 3rd must have for rock-solid self-confidence…
#3. Your opinion of yourself
What you think about yourself increases or decreases your self-confidence. Remember your thoughts are what generates how you feel. So simply put, if you are thinking you are “dumb” thinking you shouldn’t be feeling any self-doubt you will negatively impact your of self-confidence…that just generates more self-doubt. If you are telling yourself that you should be “over it by now” you are negatively impacting your self-confidence. You would be judging yourself and creating feelings such as self-loathing to layer on top of being uncomfortable.
Do you see that? The 3rd must have for rock-solid self-confidence is thinking positively of yourself. You will practice telling yourself the truth! The truth! You are going to think and tell yourself the truth…” I am good” “I am capable” “I am worthy and valuable” “I am strong” “I am competent” “I am important”
And you are going to declare these truths without any evidence at all. You don’t need anyone to tell you; you are good to choose to believe the truth…that you are good. You don’t need to wait around hoping someone will tell you that you are important to believe the truth that you are important.
Listen the fact that you are a human woman here on this earth created by a loving God instantly means that you are good, capable, worthy, valuable, strong, competent and important.
You simply need to remind yourself of the truth – regularly.
What to expect with rock-solid self-confidence
You now know the 3 must haves for solid self-confidence. Let’s look into your future for a moment with excitement as you realize all the possibilities that can be yours because you have the ability to trust yourself, you are able to feel any emotion and you have a good opinion of yourself…here is what you can expect…
You will set more goals, take more actions towards those goals and therefore achieve more of your goals.
You will talk to more people, gaining new friends – both the girl type and the boyfriends.
You will take more risks; you will do what you haven’t done before and go where you have not gone before.
You will be more attractive. More attractive to potential employers, friends, goal collaborators, to men, and most importantly you will be more attractive to yourself. You will fall in love with you. And that is the best love story ever!
You will stand taller, breathe deeper, dress at a new level, speak up more, a smile will be on your face more often.
That is what you can expect with solid self-confidence. Pretty awesome!!