The #1 Reason You are Stuck in Singleness! And the Solution!

Can you comfortably wear every single piece of clothing in your closet?  Does every pair of jeans fit you?  For me, I currently have two sizes of pants in my closet.  Now when I discover that my pants have shrunk somehow in the dryer, LOL, I am disappointed, frustrated and proceed to beat myself up about it.  The truth is I know why I am disappointed, frustrated and beating myself up – it’s because I am thinking I am a loser, out of control eater, fat, lazy…all the things.  The real problem is that I have just simply been overeating.  I have been giving my body more fuel that it needs.  Simple as that.

You can see the solution, right?  Stop over fueling my body and it will become smaller.  Right!  BUT here is what can happen…I can get desperate and I think I have to solve this problem right now!  How can I lose 10 lbs.?!  This must happen now! So, I take drastic steps, unhealthy steps to make the problem go away.  I might try to fuel my body on a diet of rice cakes and diet coke.  I might try high intensity Interval training classes at the gym. 

I want to solve now the problem because I am unhappy.  I want you to consider that one reason you are stuck in singleness is for the same reason I am desperate to lose 10 lbs. today.  Because you are unhappy.

What unhappy looks like

Unhappy is a feeling.  It is a vibration in your body caused by a thought in your brain.  Simple as that.  Let’s play with this a moment so that you can see how the feeling of unhappy affects your life.

See if you can relate to this.  When I am unhappy, this is how the feeling or emotion – same thing – affects how I show up.  I am cranky.  I complain a lot.  I vent to myself.  Then to get confirmation, I call my sister to “vent”.  So, I keep replaying the unhappiness in my own head and out loud to others.  I can also be cool and a little edgy with my loved ones.  Can you see how unhappiness affects my me? 

Are you unhappy?  Are you unhappy about being single?  If you are, I want you to consider that your unhappiness is affecting you getting what you want…to find love, get engaged and married.

One way I see this showing up with single women is they become desperate to find love and get married.  You are desperate to get out of the pain of your own life.  Here is what happens…like me when I am desperate to lose 10lbs. now!!!...you take risks, you are willing to settle, you do things that are unhealthy, you people please, you forget who you are and whose you are. 

Let me be even more specific.  In your unhappiness and desperation to get out of being single and into a relationship you begin taking risks that you know are risks.  You compromise your values and ethics.  You find yourself willing to settle and marry just about any man to be married.  You bend and mold yourself into who you think a man wants.  You say “yes” to things that in your heart and head you want to say “no” to.  You people please and put yourself in danger.

Now you can get yourself in relationship from this place of desperation.  But I’ll bet you can see the writing on the wall of what type of man your will be in relationship with and what that relationship will look like.  You don’t really want that! 

The second way I see unhappiness showing up in single women is how I show up when I am unhappy.  I complain, I spread my complaining around by venting to my sister, I am cool and edgy with loved ones.  Basically, I am a negative crank!  And I am in total victimhood.   Woe is me! 

Again, let me be even more specific.  In your unhappiness and ‘woe is me’ attitude you show up as the stereotypical cranky spinster who complains, is closed off, is unwilling to enjoy life, and is simply not attractive.  You are probably sarcastic in your tone about your singleness.  You think you are being funny in your jokes about being single, but I will tell you it only puts up higher walls around you.  You close yourself off from others.  Now you may think you are doing a good job of masking your crankiness but I am telling you the truth – it shines through.  People, men, pick up on your bristly cranky vibe. 

From this place of ‘woe is me’ it is really hard to get the relationship you want.  And if you did, I would guess that you are with a man who is also swimming in the pit of ‘woe is me’.  You really don’t want that either.

Now what?

So, what do you do.  You know that you don’t want show up as desperate and you know you also don’t want to show up as ‘woe is me’.  Neither of those are going to give you what you really want…moving from single to engaged to married with a healthy relationship.

The best solution to being desperate and ‘woe is me’ is to feel the emotion of happiness even while you are single.  Think about it.  Showing up as happy is waaaay more attractive AND fun AND safe than being desperate and ‘woe is me’.  And you get to experience a happy life!

When I was single, I was happy.  Now, of course, there were times when I was unhappy and sometimes showed up in the desperate mode and sometimes the ‘woe is me’ mode.  BUT those times were not the norm for me.  And they weren’t because I intentionally chose to be happy.  I wanted to be happy now.  I didn’t want to wait expecting someone else to make me happy.  I wanted it now.  I knew then what I know even more now – that I am in charge of my own happiness.  And you are too.  You are in charge of your happiness.

So, I took action to be happy in my singleness.  I intentionally sought out opportunities to be happy.  I did work that was fulfilling and challenging.  I took care of myself financially, spiritually and physically.  Because I took charge of my own happiness, I was never desperate to get married.  I didn’t need to get married. I knew that I would be just fine on my own, I didn’t need a man to save me financially, spiritually or physically.  My life was good and finding a good man would only make my good life even better.

That is the way I want you to show up.  I want that for you because it is the most powerful way to show up and the most fun.  And your single life journey will be so much more powerful and fun than one of desperation and ‘woe is me’. 

Creating ‘happiness’

Let me offer up two ways that will help you create happiness in your life right now.

First…Think about it this way…your goal, what you want, is to be happy.  Now make a list of all the obstacles, all the reasons why, you are not happy in your singleness.  To prompt yourself consider different areas of life…spiritual, physical, financial, work.  Are you happy about your spiritual life?  Physical – with your health and body?  What about work, are you happy there?  Why is it that you are unhappy in an area?  That is the obstacle.

Go ahead and listen to all that your brain has to say as to why you are unhappy in your singleness.  But don’t let it just ramble around in your brain, take it out and put it on paper.  List the 25 obstacles that keeping you from being happy in your singleness.  Then for each obstacle list a correlating strategy that you can take to over come that obstacle.  And then go to work.  One by one.  Moving ever closer to being happily single. 

Secondly…train and manage your brain. You are not unhappy because you are single.  You are unhappy because of the thoughts you have about being single.  The fact is you are single, for whatever reason.  Now what are you making that fact mean about you?  If you are unhappy, it is because of what you are making being single mean about you. 

Do you make it mean that something is wrong with you?  Do you make it mean that God has forgotten you?  Do you make it mean that time is running out?  If you think something is wrong with you, you will feel the emotion of unhappiness.  If you think God has forgotten about you…same thing, you will feel unhappy.  If you think time has run out…unhappiness.

How do you train and manage your brain?  Begin by thinking about what you think.  And then challenging the thought that something is wrong with you.  Allow yourself to question that thought by allowing yourself to think about all the things that are right with you.  Look for the evidence that you know exists, that God has not forgotten about you.  Rather than see time from a scarcity mindset look to see it in abundance.  How you have the perfect amount of time to get exactly what you want.

As you can see, creating happiness takes intention, effort and practice.  It doesn’t come quickly, but it comes.  Please allow yourself the time needed to shift from experiencing life as unhappy to experiencing it happily.  Also please extend yourself grace and love as you make the shift.

Nothing is wrong with you.  I promise.  Everything is solvable.  Every obstacle can be overcome.  You can be happier.  No matter your marital status.  Your happiness matters…it affects your life.